Leaders of Mithon, a small but thriving industrialized island nation just off the coast of the US, are planning to sign the controversial ESIS Act into law early next week. If signed, the ESIS law (short for Every Sperm Is Sacred), would make male masturbation a crime along the same lines as manslaughter, punishable by 99 years in a federal prison.

While citizens of Mithon and across the globe expressed concern about the restrictive nature of the bill, lawmakers were unmoved. The bill breezed through the senate thanks to a 25 to 6 vote, with all votes in favour coming from female lawmakers.

Karen Ivey, the nation’s governor, cited Mithon’s strong Christian values when praising the senate for passing the bill: “The Bible is pretty clear about the importance of a man retaining his seed, going so far as to expressly prohibit him from spilling it.” The philosophy behind the act is that every life, even the potential for life, is sacred. Gov Ivey explained, “Everything that can reasonably be done, must be done. I firmly believe that this legislation stands as a powerful testament to Mithonians’ deeply held belief that every life is precious and that every life is a gift from God.”

Originally posted on The Sirens Rise, May 23, 2019.

Why Regulate Men or Masturbation?

While Gov. Ivey believes the bill represents the needs of her citizens, many disagree, with some questioning the heavy restrictions on men. When asked about the seemingly sexist nature of the bill, Gov. Ivey explained that “this has a lot to do with what is natural and what isn’t.” For example, “women who are of child-bearing age naturally have a period each month, where an egg is shed from the body regardless of what a woman wants.” According to Gov. Ivey, and 25 other legislators, since periods are involuntary, the process of losing an egg is entirely natural.  

“This is a process that happens without a woman’s involvement, say, or even desire, so how can it be unnatural? Even miscarriages, while exceptionally tragic, happen without the choice of the woman. When a woman expels an egg, it happens as a biological process, not something done with intent or effort.”

Male masturbation, however, is an entirely different story. According to Mithon’s legislators:

“There is nothing natural about tugging a body part until it ejects fluid while thinking illicit thoughts. There is intent and considerable effort to waste life here. And that’s where the difference lies.”

Limited Exceptions for Married Spouses

As written, there are almost no exceptions to this bill. Married men who already had children or who are with a spouse who is incapable of procreating may have the option to use condoms, but only under certain conditions. They must meet with a specialist at least once a month, have their urethra swabbed once a year, and have to have condoms prescribed by a physician. In some areas of Mithon, men can only have a 30-day supply at any given time.

A conversation about the nature of condoms has arisen as a result of the bill, with most of those voting in favour of the restrictions claiming not to have enough expertise in the field of contraception to form an opinion.

“When you get into prophylactics and masturbation, that’s clearly not my area of expertise,” said representative Jean Becker, “But I suppose, if it were true that what we typically call a condom would be classified as a masturbatory aid, then I would suspect that condom manufacturers would redesign it so it is no longer a masturbatory aid.”

Rep. Becker also discussed how an unwed man could avoid punishment under this new legislation. She suggested men could “collect the ejaculated sperm and insert it into a woman’s uterus once they have found a spouse, so that masturbation is not defined as manslaughter under this bill.” When it was pointed out that sperm does not stay active for very long without medical intervention, she again pointed to her lack of medical knowledge but speculated that condom companies could “work on something.”

Wet Dreams to be Investigated

Concern about how this act will affect men going through puberty was raised during legislative debates. As a result, cases of involuntary ejaculation, as with wet dreams, will be thoroughly investigated. If it is found out that a man did bring about his own ejaculation after first lying about it to investigators, he could be charged with obstruction in addition to manslaughter.

While experts, doctors, and a number of activist groups object to the bill in all respects, calling it undue interference into men’s bodies, Gov. Ivey is undeterred.

“Look, I watch the news. The same groups protested and objected against similar bills in the States. If those arguments weren’t persuasive enough to deter legislators in Georgia, Mississippi, Ohio, and Alabama, why should it be any different here?”

This article is satire.