Comedy
37 Things To Tell My Younger Self
In honour of my 37th birthday, here are 37 things I wish I could tell my younger self, or, if you’re a cynical type of person, 37 things I wish I had figured out a lot earlier.
- Loved not having an undercut. Loved having an undercut. Hated growing it out.
- You’re going to go through some shit, but nothing quite as bad as enduring retail at Christmas.
- Read, watch, write, and listen to what you love. People are going to be judgmental assholes anyway. May as well give them something other than your acne to tease you for.
- Some men will tell you to smile. It’s okay if you nervously smile to avoid conflict. It’s also okay if you tell them to fuck off.
- The same men who make “women amiright” jokes will get VERY offended at your “some men” comments. The irony will be lost on them. (note, this doesn’t apply to actual comedians)
- Some of your co-workers, especially at larger firms, don’t know how to use Google. They will think you are a technological goddess because you do.
- [specific to your 20s] Don’t be so trusting. Put up some walls.
- [specific to your 30s] No, that’s too many walls.
- It’s okay to shave above the knee. You’re Italian. You’re gonna need to.
- If you have to ask, the chicken is not good anymore.
- Yes, that means don’t eat it.
- Learn coding when your passion for it starts. The same jerks who make fun of you for it wind up involved in MLMs so maybe don’t take their advice
- Read comics when your passion for it starts. You’re a minor. When that creepy dude sexually harasses you, say something about pedophilia being weird. Then go back to your comic.
- In July of 2003, a customer at Carlton Cards is going to approach you as you are setting up the Christmas ornament display. She is going to threaten to kick you if you keep putting up ornaments in July. She is not kidding. You never use this job as a reference and only make $6.20 per hour. Kick her back. Please.
- Fountain pens are fucking amazing.
- You’re going to vomit a lot, especially once you hit your late 30s. Stage fright is a beast you cannot beat, but bad breath is. Carry mouthwash. And stay hydrated.
- Take care of your face and be kind to your joints. Lupus is a bitch.
- Yeah, I know, but for real, this time it actually is Lupus.
- You’re going to get misdiagnosed a lot, so bring notes to your appointments. Also, ditch doctors who don’t think you’re funny. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
- Don’t be afraid. Go for the person you think is out of your league. Apply for that job you don’t think you’re qualified for. You’re honestly not nearly as bad as your self-esteem thinks you are.
- Do comedy. Some comics are going to be creepy and gross and you’re going to get unsolicited dick pics. But man, it is such a confidence boost when you realize that their dicks are funnier than their jokes. (PS: #NotAllComics – you can actually trust your gut on this one)
- You have plenty of food at home.
- You have plenty of dried weed at home.
- Write. Down. Your. Jokes. Immediately.
- Don’t wait until you need undereye wrinkle cream before you learn how to use liquid eyeliner
- Don’t take that telemarketing job, don’t go into that storage space with him, don’t go into the walk-in fridge with him, don’t trust that offer of friendship from him. Different him. I’m sorry.
- “Just because you read comics for the unrealistic tits doesn’t mean I do” is a perfect comeback to “you only want that book because the guy on the show is built.” Try not to wait seven years to think of it.
- Your heart is going to get broken. It sucks. But not nearly as bad as losing out on a gig. Or bombing. Man, does bombing ever suck.
- Some people are nicer than you think.
- Some people are meaner than you think.
- No, I haven’t figured out an easy way to tell the difference.
- Some boys only want to be your friend just so they can fuck you.
- Some boys legit want to be your friend.
- No, I haven’t figured out an easy way to tell the difference.
- Repositionable tape has been around since about 2000. Don’t wait 20 years to give it a shot. It will revolutionize your life. Seriously, DIY sticky notes? Sign us tf up.
- You rock a bold lip.
- One day, Kobe Bryant will die. On that day, don’t take the bullet spot. Trust me.
